4 years ago, an accident took my beloved away and very often I wonder, how
does my wife, who is now in the heavenly realm, feel right now? She must
be feeling extremely sad for leaving a husband who is incapable to taking
care of the house and the kid. 'cos that is the exact feeling that I have,
as I feel that I have failed to provide for the physical and emotional
needs of my child, and failed to be the dad and mum for my child.
There was one particular day, when I had an emergency at work. Hence, I
had to leave home whilst my child was still sleeping. So thinking that
there was still rice leftovers, I hastily cooked an egg and left after
informing my sleepy child.
With the double roles, I am often exhausted at work as well as when I am
home. So after a long day, I came home, totally drained of all energy. So
with just a brief hug and kiss for my child, I went straight into the
room, skipping dinner. However, when I jumped into my bed with intention
of just having a well-deserved sleep, all I heard and felt was broken
porcelain and warm liquid! I flipped open my blanket, and there lies the
source of the 'problem'... a broken bowl with instant noodles and a mess
on the bedsheet and blanket!
Boy, was I mad! I was so furious that I took a clothes hanger, charged
straight at my child who was happily playing with his toy, and give him a
good spanking! He merely cried but not asking for mercy, except a short
explanation:
"Dad, I was hungry and there wasn't anymore leftover rice. But you were
not back yet, hence I wanted to cook some instant noodles. But I
remembered you reminding me not to touch or use the gas stove without any
adults around, hence I turned on the shower and used the hot water from
the bathroom to cook the noodles. One is for you and the other is for me.
However, I was afraid that the noodles will turn cold, so I hid it under
the blanket to keep it warm till you return. But I forgot to remind you
'cos I was playing with my toys...I am sorry Dad..."
At that moment, tears were starting to run down my cheeks...but I didn't
want my son to see his dad crying so I dashed into the bathroom and cried
with the shower head on to mask my cries. After that episode, I went
towards my son to give him a tight hug and applied medication on him,
while coaxing him to sleep. Then, it was time to clear up the mess on the
bed. When everything was done and well past midnight, I passed my son's
room, and saw that he was still crying, not from the pain on his little
buttock, but from looking at the photograph of his beloved mummy.
A year has passed since the episode, I have tried, in this period, to
focus on giving him both the love of his dad and mum, and to attend to
most of his needs. And soon, he is turning seven, and will be graduating
from kindergarten. Fortunately, the incident did not leave a lasting
impression on his childhood memories and he is still happily growing up.
However, not so long ago, I hit my boy again, with much regret. This time,
his kindergarten teacher called, informing me of my son's absence from
school. I took off early from work and went home, expecting him to
explain. But he wasn't to be found, so I went around our house, calling
out his name and eventually found him outside a stationery shop, happily
playing computer games. I was fuming, brought him home and whack the hell
out of him. He did not retaliate, except to say, 'I am sorry, Dad'. But
after much probing, I realized that it was a 'Talent Show' organized by
his school and the invite is for every student's mummy. And that was the
reason for his absence as he has no mummy.....
Few days after the caning, my son came home to tell me, the kindergarten
has recently taught him how to read and write. Since then, he has kept to
himself and stayed in his room to practise his writing, which I am sure,
would make my wife proud, if she was still around. 'cos he makes me proud
too!
Time passes by very quickly, and soon another year has passed. It's
winter, and its Christmas time. Everywhere the christmas spirit is in
every passer-by...Christmas carols and frantic shoppers....but alas, my
son got into another trouble. When I was about to knock off from the day's
work, the post office called. Due to the peak season, the post master was
also on an edgy mood. He called to tell me that my son has attempted to
post several letters with no addressee. Although I did make a promise
never to hit my son again, I couldn't help but to hit him as I feel that
thi s child of mine is really beyond control. Once again, as before, he
apologized, ' I'm sorry, Dad' and no additional reason to explain. I
pushed him towards a corner, went to the post office to collect the
letters with no addressee and came home, and angrily questioned my son on
his prank, during this time of the year.
His answer, amidst his sobbing, was : The letters were for Mummy.
My eyes grew teary, but I tried to control my emotions and continued to
ask him: " But why did u post so many letters, at one time?" My son's
reply was: " I have been writing to mummy for a long time, but each time I
reach out for the post box, it was too high for me, hence I was not able
to post the letters. But recently, when I went back to the postbox, I
could reach it and I sent it all at once..."
After hearing this, I was lost. Lost at not knowing what to do, what to
say.....
I told my son, " Son, mummy is in the heavenly kingdom, so in future, if
you have anything to tell her, just burn the letter and it will reach
mummy. My son, on hearing this, was much pacifi ed and calm, and soon
after, he was sleeping soundly. On promising that I will burn the letters
on his behalf, I brought the letters outside, but couldnt help opening the
letter before they turn to ash.
And one of the letters broke my heart....
Dear Mummy,
I miss you so much! Today, there was a 'Talent Show' in school, and the
school invited all mothers for the show. But you are not around, so I did
not want to participate as well. I did not tell Dad about it as I was
afraid that Dad would start to cry and miss you all over again. Dad went
around looking for me, but in order to hide my sadness, I sat in front of
the computer and started playing games at one of the shops. Dad was
furious, and he couldnt help it but scolded and hit me, but I did not tell
him the real reason. Mummy, everyday I see Dad missing you and whenever he
think of you, he is so sad and often hide and cry in h is room. I think
we both miss you very very much. Too much for our own good I think. But
Mummy, I am starting to forget your face. Can you please appear in my
dreams so that I can see your face and remember you? I heard that if you
fall asleep with the photograph of the person whom you miss, you will see
the person in your dreams. But mummy, why havent you appear?
After reading the letter, I cant stop sobbing. 'cos I can never replace
the irreplaceable gap left behind by my wife....
For the females with children:
Don't do so much overtime. If you cannot finish the work, it must be some
kind of problems within the company, and it is not your sole problem.
Feedback to your boss. Endless overtime may not necessary be the answer to
the problem. Take care of your health so that you can treasure and take
care of your little precious.
For the married men:
Drink less, smoke less, cos nothing can replace your good health, not even
business nor clients.
Try thinking this way, are you able to work till your clients are
totally dependent on you? or your boss is totally dependent on you? In
this society, no one is indispensable.
Take care of your health, so that you can take care of your little
precious and your loved ones.
For those singles out there:
Beauty lies in loving yourself first.
With confidence and loving yourself, you will see the beauty in other
things around you. You will be able to work better and happier. Don't let
your health be affected by your work or your boss, so nothing matters more
than your well being.
